My dad this week posed a very interesting question: “Do any of your stories NOT involve alcohol?!” So, to appease my father, who I’m sure at this point is either extremely impressed that I can drink my weight in vodka or fears for my liver (possibly both), I give you a half-and-half entry. One story involves a party, a toilet, a camera and, of course, vodka. The other involves this weird thing that looked like a blob on my eye that I called a permanent booger.
I’ll start with the booger. About a week ago, I saw something that looked like a piece of clear jelly in my eye. After calling the Peace Corps doctor and trying medication, it wasn’t going away. So yesterday I skipped language class and went all my myself into Kiev to see the doctor. Dr. Sasha (we call the Peace Corps doctors by their first names) said he had never seen anything like that before, and after a few hours of me hanging out in the Peace Corps lounge and finding some awesome stuff in the “finder’s keepers” box, we set out for the eye doctor. We walk down the long corridor in the Militia Hospital on the other side of town, and I’m told to sit in a chair in the hallway outside of a random door. Sasha tells me to follow him in finally, and he talks to the doctor in Russian. She looks at my eye, says something and goes away. While she’s gone, Sasha turns to me and says, “you have a conjunctiaval cyst on your eyeball. Actually 3. It’s very common, apparently, but they have to pop them”. Come again?!!! So the doctor comes back, puts some awesome numbing drops in my eye, and tells me to look a certain way while she’s staring through a microscope at my eyeball. Then all of a sudden I see a needle, she wipes away some sort of fluid, and boom. Done. We went back to the Peace Corps office while my eye drop prescription was getting filled and I did some online research and really by "cyst" what they really meant was "blister". Equally as gross. Don't ask me how I managed that.
So now, boys a girls, I have to wear glasses for the next 2 weeks while I take these eyedrops 4 times a day that’s going to make my eye feel better. The funny thing is that now that it feels better, the other one feels crappy in comparison. But I’ll be damned if I get a needle stuck in that eye too! One eye at a time! At least I got some taco mix, fajita seasoning, a sweet sweater, and a sleeping bag out of my trip to Kiev as well.
On a similarly amusing note, we finished our final project with MoZART Tuesday afternoon with a half-day workshop on how to diversify funding sources for an NGO. The workshop was a success and because the director loves us, he invited us to the organization picnic that was that afternoon. Vitaly, the Director, was also getting ready to go on vacation for a few weeks, so the party was sort of a good-bye/thank you volunteers/thank you staff party. Let the picnic, food and toasts begin. After about 2 rounds of toasts (a round=3 shots…so after 6 shots of vodka), or “suggestions” as our Ukrainian friends were referring to them as, we started to play some games including charades and some type of dancing/singing game. We were all feeling nice and sociable, and Rachel’s bladder was full. So she, Mike and I head to the outhouse (which is literally a hole in the ground. . . see where I’m going with this?) There were two toilets, so me, being the generous soul, let Mike and Rachel go first. And then I hear a “plunk” and a very loud “oh shit!” The rest shall be told as I remember it (through the uncontrollable laughter that almost made me pee my pants)
Rachel: Fuck! My fucking camera just fell in the shitter! Jessie what do I do?!
Me: Leave it!
Rachel: Leave it?!!! No way man! Those are my precious memories on that camera!!! Mike help me! Find something to get it out with!
Mike: (Mike runs to the nearby trees) Here, take a stick.
Rachel: Okay thanks! (Rachel squatting over the toilet, trying to grab the strap of the camera covered in poop with a stick. Man, I wish I had MY camera!! She finally gets it, and wouldn’t you know it, the camera slides off the stick and back into the toilet)
Mike and Me: Rachel what are you doing?!
She finally pulls the camera out of the toilet with the stick and it is all shitty (the puns could go on all day)
Rachel: Mike quick! I have some toilet paper in my bag go get it for me so I can wash it off!
Mike: Oh Jesus. Okay.
At this point, instead of getting the TP, Mike promptly runs to where Elizabeth and Jason are screaming, “JASON! Rachel just dropped her camera in the shitter!”, turns around and bolts back to where Rachel’s bag is. Where am I this whole time? Watching Rachel a laughing. . . of course. Mike comes back with something better than toilet paper…paper towel!
Mike: Here ya go Rachel. . I can’t believe you just did that.
So, she walks up the stairs all the while saying, “ew ew ew”, washed off the camera in the sink. Mad props to that girl. She disinfected her hands about 4 times, but I still wouldn’t shake her hand. Ew. Moral of this story? Don’t bring your camera to the bathroom with you. Duh.
Those are two lovely stories which pose two interesting questions:
ReplyDelete1) How did you get a blister on your eye ball? I would like to be informed immediately so I can always avoid such a horrible and repulsive problem
2) After dropping her camera in poo, was Rachel able to retrieve her photos or did the whole recovery procedure go to shit?
well, dear sister, in response to your inquiries:
ReplyDelete1) No clue. So beware. I'm sure it had something to do with the fact that my body hates me and I might have looked directly in the sun or something. But really, couldn't tell you.
2) Yep! Rachel picked out the poo smelling memory card and recovered all her pictures! And the camera still works! But unfortunately for her it still has the faint smell of crap on it. I hope she bleaches that sucker before using it again.